Sunday, May 14, 2017

Evidence in defence of stark positions.

Herein is the proof of my previous complaints

So I was wishing my mother-in-law a happy Mother's day, and I thought to myself that I really can't accept my own behavior unless I attempt ( at least try to contact) to contact my mother. I said some harsh things earlier and now here is an example, and my interpretation for you. Recall the Noble Eightfold Path: right speech, right action, right intention.  Attempting to increase global happiness and decrease global sorrow.

I first tried directly contacting her.  I don't know her phone number because she moved and hasn't alerted me to where she is. I think she lives in Colorado but I can't be certain.  Even her 91-year old mother doesn't have any contact with her for over 4 years. I am not embellishing.

Then I tried Facebook, as only Facebook can offer, to directly message my mother.  I am blocked, no contact.

So I told my wife, Laura, and she attempted a kind message on my behalf. There was no ulterior motive to my well wishes.

Here is the response:

Now, this may seem innocuous and to be fair one can suggest I am reaching, but here what I believe she meant.

First, I am the originator of the well wishes. I am not referred to at all directly in the response. Doesn't that seem odd?  I am her oldest son.

Second, Laura is referred to with hers.  Her family. I am apart from my mother.  I am not "of the body" - to a narcissist when you sever a person from your life they are beyond your interest and beyond you. You don't need to treat non-body members with the same respect.

Third. While the response is an attempt to meet the normative standards of being nice in return, it expressly doesn't meet the requestor's (mine) needs - on purpose. It is an attempt to seem nice without conceding anything the originator hopes for.  No "I am doing great", no " we are all wonderful" and so on. 

This response is an attempt to appear nice but not be nice, not nice at all.

You see, appearances are of primary importance to a bitchface because they can't afford negative sentiment towards themselves or their actions. They can't appear to be miserable or unpleasant where it can show who they really are on the inside.

Why can I state this? Because the easiest and most socially acceptable way to respond is some variant of,

"Thank David, I hope he is well."  


"Thanks, I am having a great day."

 That is the easiest, simplest, considerate, direct way to handle an uncomfortable difficult situation.  It's the fewest words, contains all the right sentiments, and is about all normal as expected. It's the high EQ, simple solution. It is easiest for someone defusing a tense situation.

But she CAN'T bring herself to utter them. Think about that.

The proof lies twofold, there is NO information in return. No attempt at mutual sharing, no insight into how she is doing. 

Second, this is my mother and she never, ever asked about her son.

Here is how my mother-in-law responded to my well-wishes:
"Thanks sorry missed your call. How are you?"
Notice the difference?

Why am I picking on my mother on Mother's Day? I am not, she has no idea I am writing this and I am not attempting anything other than informing poor men who might be on the verge of suicide because their ex-wife or ex-partner is treating them badly. If their ex is like this they are in for more nasty treatment and they need to be prepared.

I am living proof that some of those people have a real complaint at how they are treated, and that they must accept and be prepared for more of the same without change because this is what they could be in for. If you know someone going through a messy breakup or divorce, please tell them about this.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Why I don't celebrate Mother's Day

My mother once told me I wasn't part of her real family.

That's why I don't celebrate Mother's day.  There, you don't have to read any more.

I'm not stating this from a place of self-pity, I can assure you I really don't spend a lot of my time rethinking old events from my past. I try not to present ideas to myself in a way that makes me feel bad (or good - remember I practice Buddhism) about me or anyone else. Maybe it's the painful events like when I was disowned that make me avoid seeking self-reflection. A majority of it is simple mindset - I can't change the past or how people act so why waste my time on their problems?

It just so happened I overheard some ads reminding people to be good to their mothers. Well that prompted me to ask myself why I don't do anything for Mother's day. Apart from the obvious ideological answer was the fact that I have a mother that acts abnormally and I chose not to deal with her and allow her to make my life and my kids' lives any worse.

My mother is a narcissist. She remarried and had other children with Dad #2. When I was home visiting my grandmother and my mother was visiting with her new kids she mentioned that her family was taking a trip to New Zealand. She meant her new husband, her new son and daughter, and herself.

When my brother asked her, jokingly, why there was no ticket for him and me, she replied that we weren't "her real family". When prompted to explain herself she replied,

"You know what I meant." She was serious.

She said it from a place of reason, her reason. What she meant partly was that we were old enough to plan our own trips and even had kids of our own. But she also meant we were not part of herself - like that old Star Trek episode when all people are connected to the society-controlling computer and when they disconnect ( "you are not of the body") from the collective they can't be seen nor felt by the hive-mind. She had removed us from herself so we weren't part of her world.

That's what narcissist do, you are either part of them and reflected in their every action or you disappear and are nothing to them. I mean nothing from their perspective not the "normal" sense.  In some ways, they don't understand how that can be or feel to other people. They don't understand the harm they are causing because they are always centred on themselves. And they can't see how other people see their actions because

She didn't realize what was implied by what she meant, and she thought that the usual reason hid what she really felt in a socially-acceptable excuse.  I didn't understand it all at the time, I wasn't that mindful then, and only pieced it all together working backwards from my own marriage disaster. The pieces of the new puzzle looked a lot like the pieces of the old puzzle.

I learned from my messy divorce that the roots of accepting cruel abuse and mistreatment from my ex-wife were rooted in my mother's behaviour I learned to accept as a child.  I didn't know any better. My biggest failings are emotional and social and the roots of those failings go way back to pre-school. I had to look back to see what was going on in the present, to realize I don't understand normal.  

Why I wrote this is to express to people that may not realize how their ex is treating them may be part of a mindset that he or she can't control. Maybe that person thinks of you as nothing and that justifies all the mistreatment in that mindset. Maybe you can't see what's normal because you are calibrated at some other point? If this behaviour sounds familiar then you might want to educate yourself to how that person thinks. If this pattern is similar then you have to realize from the other perspective how you are viewed and if you want to avoid problems accept it's an uneven relationship. Maybe that treatment won't change and you have to make a stark harsh choice. Maybe you need to avoid contact as best you can for the overall good of all parties involved.

Today is my birthday, I won't get any contact from my mother and that is OK with me. Sunday is Mother's day and I choose not to interact with my mother because she's not going to change. Besides, I'm not her real family.

If you are going through a messy divorce or separation, please consider getting some advice from one that survived a horrible, legally-nasty divorce 10 years ago.