Evidence in defence of stark positions.

Herein is the proof of my previous complaints. 

So I was wishing my mother-in-law a happy Mother's day, and I thought to myself that I really can't accept my own behavior unless I attempt ( at least try to contact) to contact my mother. I said some harsh things earlier and now here is an example, and my interpretation for you. Recall the Noble Eightfold Path: right speech, right action, right intention.  Attempting to increase global happiness and decrease global sorrow.

I first tried directly contacting her.  I don't know her phone number because she moved and hasn't alerted me to where she is. I think she lives in Colorado but I can't be certain.  Even her 91-year old mother doesn't have any contact with her for over 4 years. I am not embellishing.


Then I tried Facebook, as only Facebook can offer, to directly message my mother.  I am blocked, no contact.


So I told my wife, Laura, and she attempted a kind message on my behalf. There was no ulterior motive to my well wishes.

Here is the response:

Now, this may seem innocuous and to be fair one can suggest I am reaching, but here what I believe she meant.

First, I am the originator of the well wishes. I am not referred to at all directly in the response. Doesn't that seem odd?  I am her oldest son.

Second, Laura is referred to with hers.  Her family. I am apart from my mother.  I am not "of the body" - to a narcissist when you sever a person from your life they are beyond your interest and beyond you. You don't need to treat non-body members with the same respect.

Third. While the response is an attempt to meet the normative standards of being nice in return, it expressly doesn't meet the requestor's (mine) needs - on purpose. It is an attempt to seem nice without conceding anything the originator hopes for.  No "I am doing great", no " we are all wonderful" and so on. 

This response is an attempt to appear nice but not be nice, not nice at all.

You see, appearances are of primary importance to a bitchface because they can't afford negative sentiment towards themselves or their actions. They can't appear to be miserable or unpleasant where it can show who they really are on the inside.

Why can I state this? Because the easiest and most socially acceptable way to respond is some variant of,

"Thank David, I hope he is well."  

or

"Thanks, I am having a great day."

 That is the easiest, simplest, considerate, direct way to handle an uncomfortable difficult situation.  It's the fewest words, contains all the right sentiments, and is about all normal as expected. It's the high EQ, simple solution. It is easiest for someone defusing a tense situation.

But she CAN'T bring herself to utter them. Think about that.


The proof lies twofold, there is NO information in return. No attempt at mutual sharing, no insight into how she is doing. 

Second, this is my mother and she never, ever asked about her son.

Here is how my mother-in-law responded to my well-wishes:

"Thanks sorry missed your call. How are you?"

Notice the difference?

Why am I picking on my mother on Mother's Day? I am not, she has no idea I am writing this and I am not attempting anything other than informing poor men who might be on the verge of suicide because their ex-wife or ex-partner is treating them badly. If their ex is like this they are in for more nasty treatment and they need to be prepared.


I am living proof that some of those people have a real complaint at how they are treated, and that they must accept and be prepared for more of the same without change because this is what they could be in for. If you know someone going through a messy breakup or divorce, please tell them about this.

Why I don't celebrate Mother's Day

My mother once told me I wasn't part of her real family.

That's why I don't celebrate Mother's day.  There, you don't have to read any more.

I'm not stating this from a place of self-pity, I can assure you I really don't spend a lot of my time rethinking old events from my past. I try not to present ideas to myself in a way that makes me feel bad (or good - remember I practice Buddhism) about me or anyone else. Maybe it's the painful events like when I was disowned that make me avoid seeking self-reflection. A majority of it is simple mindset - I can't change the past or how people act so why waste my time on their problems?

It just so happened I overheard some ads reminding people to be good to their mothers. Well that prompted me to ask myself why I don't do anything for Mother's day. Apart from the obvious ideological answer was the fact that I have a mother that acts abnormally and I chose not to deal with her and allow her to make my life and my kids' lives any worse.

My mother is a narcissist. She remarried and had other children with Dad #2. When I was home visiting my grandmother and my mother was visiting with her new kids she mentioned that her family was taking a trip to New Zealand. She meant her new husband, her new son and daughter, and herself.

When my brother asked her, jokingly, why there was no ticket for him and me, she replied that we weren't "her real family". When prompted to explain herself she replied,

"You know what I meant." She was serious.

She said it from a place of reason, her reason. What she meant partly was that we were old enough to plan our own trips and even had kids of our own. But she also meant we were not part of herself - like that old Star Trek episode when all people are connected to the society-controlling computer and when they disconnect ( "you are not of the body") from the collective they can't be seen nor felt by the hive-mind. She had removed us from herself so we weren't part of her world.

That's what narcissist do, you are either part of them and reflected in their every action or you disappear and are nothing to them. I mean nothing from their perspective not the "normal" sense.  In some ways, they don't understand how that can be or feel to other people. They don't understand the harm they are causing because they are always centred on themselves. And they can't see how other people see their actions because

She didn't realize what was implied by what she meant, and she thought that the usual reason hid what she really felt in a socially-acceptable excuse.  I didn't understand it all at the time, I wasn't that mindful then, and only pieced it all together working backwards from my own marriage disaster. The pieces of the new puzzle looked a lot like the pieces of the old puzzle.

I learned from my messy divorce that the roots of accepting cruel abuse and mistreatment from my ex-wife were rooted in my mother's behaviour I learned to accept as a child.  I didn't know any better. My biggest failings are emotional and social and the roots of those failings go way back to pre-school. I had to look back to see what was going on in the present, to realize I don't understand normal.  

Why I wrote this is to express to people that may not realize how their ex is treating them may be part of a mindset that he or she can't control. Maybe that person thinks of you as nothing and that justifies all the mistreatment in that mindset. Maybe you can't see what's normal because you are calibrated at some other point? If this behaviour sounds familiar then you might want to educate yourself to how that person thinks. If this pattern is similar then you have to realize from the other perspective how you are viewed and if you want to avoid problems accept it's an uneven relationship. Maybe that treatment won't change and you have to make a stark harsh choice. Maybe you need to avoid contact as best you can for the overall good of all parties involved.

Today is my birthday, I won't get any contact from my mother and that is OK with me. Sunday is Mother's day and I choose not to interact with my mother because she's not going to change. Besides, I'm not her real family.


If you are going through a messy divorce or separation, please consider getting some advice from one that survived a horrible, legally-nasty divorce 10 years ago.

The Plight of the Gecko

The following excerpt is what I deal with on a weekly basis, perhaps monthly basis from an ex-wife that was so difficult to deal with it took lawyers, years and a pile of cash to resolve. So why is it not over?  Well, read my book to understand that sometimes it's more to do with the type of personality your ex has than anything within reason you are trying to do. Am I saying I am a saint, hardly, but I can tell you I tried every reasonable tactic before I get to the point where I use the strategies I talk about in my book.   Over a ten year struggle I learned through empiricism how to handle her mentally to avoid stress on the kids. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Sometimes it means tragic emotional personal sacrifices. Sometimes I chose not to see my kids at an event so I don't stress them out with 2 parents present.


I explain in my book how I became a Buddhist in part to try and make things work better, even though sometimes this is the best "workable" I will ever get to.  Peace is illusory at best and change is constant. If you deal with someone this extreme you have to prepare yourself for the reality that might be the least worst outcome you strive for every day.

In the email trail below, I shit you not, this is about my ex-wife demanding to be in control of who feeds a gecko on her week and I just want to ensure the gecko doesn't lose his tail. At least that's what it's about from my perspective. I'm not trying to win, I wasn't even doing this to sell books, I just want to make sure my kids doesn't lose her pet. Or the tail.

I've altered the emails and names but the words and email progression is exactly as it happened.

You will note I (Dave)  start making things personal and my ex-wife (Michelle)  doesn't like it. That's because IT WORKS. Not that I am being mean for a selfish personal reason, but if you show what a bitchface looks like to a bitchface, that is the biggest driver stopping his or her bad behaviour; in this case from preventing that person from neglecting a child's needs - in this case to practice responsibility and love for a pet.  Bitchfaces are narcissistic and don't like people exposing their behavior. They like their self-constructed façade.

For me the personal battle is over, I won. I got the house and 50% custody of my 2 girls. I try to remind myself what it is I am fighting for and it's not personal glory or indignity to my ex. I really really just want to live in peace, but some people can't see they are their own worst enemy when it comes to others' needs.

Remember, I did offer to drive and I had to remind my ex-wife to help feed a pet. It wouldn't surprise me if she hoped it died so she could suggest I killed it. That's not unrealistic and I'm not saying that to make me look better.

What a bitchface can't see is that they insert themselves into situations that they don't need to and they do it for personal reasons. My ex-wife is literally and figuratively inserting herself into the care and welfare of a gecko - just so she can play the victim and complain I am stalking her, harassing her, embarrassing her, maninpulating her, accusing her, ... do you see the pattern I see?  Do you see why someone needs to stop her from acting in a way that harms kids, by whatever legal way exists?

It's all about HER attention, for her. She can't see how other people see what she's doing.  What normal ex-parent takes on the responsibility for a pet at the other parent's house?  Not a normal one is the simplest answer. And my divorce was anything but normal.


If you know someone going through something like this, you may want to tell them about this book.



 
The following excerpt is what I deal with on a weekly basis, perhaps monthly basis from an ex-wife that was so difficult to deal with it took lawyers, years and a pile of cash to resolve. So why is it not over?  Well, read my book to understand that sometimes it's more to do with the type of personality your ex has than anything within reason you are trying to do. Am I saying I am a saint, hardly, but I can tell you I tried every reasonable tactic before I get to the point where I use the strategies I talk about in my book. 


I explain in my book how I became a Buddhist in part to try and make things work better, even though sometimes this is the best "workable" I will ever get to.  Peace is illusory at best and change is constant. If you deal with someone this extreme you have to prepare yourself for the reality that might be the least worst outcome you strive for every day.


In the email trail below, I shit you not, this is about my ex-wife demanding to be in control of who feeds a gecko on her week and I just want to ensure the gecko doesn't lose his tail. At least that's what it's about from my perspective. I'm not trying to win, I wasn't even doing this to sell books, I just want to make sure my kids doesn't lose her pet. Or the tail.

I've altered the emails and names but the words and email progression is exactly as it happened. Sorry if the format is a little stilted, my ex-wife thinks that by responding in a new email I have forgotten or it will get missed what she said in previous ones.  Again, I'm not kidding.

You will note I (Dave)  start making things personal and my ex-wife (Michelle)  doesn't like it. That's because IT WORKS. Not that I am being mean for a selfish personal reason, but if you show what a bitchface looks like to a bitchface, that is the biggest driver stopping his or her bad behaviour; in this case from preventing that person from neglecting a child's needs - in this case to practice responsibility and love for a pet.  Bitchfaces are narcissistic and don't like people exposing their behavior. They like their self-constructed façade.

Remember, I did offer to drive and I had to remind my ex-wife to help feed a pet. It wouldn't surprise me if she hoped it died so she could suggest I killed it. That's not unrealistic and I'm not saying that to make me look better.


If you know someone going through something like this, you may want to tell them about this book.


  

-------- Forwarded Message --------
Subject:     Fwd: Re: Darcy's Gecko
Date:     Fri, 21 Oct 2016 12:02:59 -0600
From:     Dave Desperate <daveDesperate@blank.com
To:     Neil <neo1971@blank.com, Michelle Exhibit <michelleExhibit@blank.com, Laura Desperate <laura_Desperate@blank.com


Hey I'm willing to try anything to talk to a reasonable person.

Neil;

We bought a gecko for Darcy and she really loves it. We don't want his tail to fall off if he's malnourished so we offered to drive Darcy to and from feeding it. We did this not for any other reason than the medical emergency of a gecko's well being. We took on the responsibility so we expected to help her.

Can you please explain to your wife in terms she will understand that we regret making things more difficult for her but we want Darcy to practice responsibility and I spill the crickets on the floor. I was the one that allowed Darcy to go to your dad's birthday dinner, I assume that was him in court for that fiasco, I learned of Michelle ordering Darcy to come to my house behind my back and I was furious she would be so hypocritical and stress a child.

But I did not do anything to stop it in the spirit of cooperation and peace. I did not stress Darcy out, I played along. I hope it was a good birthday party.

So I would like to work with you to make sure Darcy can keep the pet she loves complete with a tail.

Thank you,

Dave




-------- Forwarded Message --------
Subject:     Re: Darcy's Gecko
Date:     Fri, 21 Oct 2016 09:55:58 -0600 (MDT)
From:     Michelle Exhibit <michelleExhibit@blank.com
To:     Dave Desperate <daveDesperate@blank.com


If there is a medical emergency you can contact Neil.

From: "Dave Desperate" <daveDesperate@blank.com
To: "Michelle Exhibit" <michelleExhibit@blank.com, "Laura Desperate" <laura_Desperate@blank.com, "DAVE Desperate" <daveDesperate@blank.com
Sent: Friday, October 21, 2016 9:08:56 AM
Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Re: Darcy's Gecko

And while you think you are discussing reasonably, you haven't answered a single question, you haven't provided a single alternative, offered no explanation for alcoholic parties I don't agree with, but want to warn us that you will block us at the slightest discomfort.  Thanks for more evidence you aren't acting reasonably. You signed a contract you are breaking because you don't act in a co-parenting manner; you act like you are in charge. But you aren't and you're not cooperating either. Explain why that's not offensive?

You want to change the optics then work on solutions not blame.

The gecko needs to be fed every 2 days and you need to participate or you need to accept that we will do it for you. What you didn't get is that we took on the job because we didn't involve you in the decision and as reasonable people we didn't speak for you nor expect you to be responsible for it. It was YOU that made yourself part of it by making it hard for Darcy to get here. You could have said it's our job to get Darcy, that would have been reasonable.  We honestly thought we should look after the gecko because it was here, I didn't think you should be responsible for it. I didn't ask for any help because we didn't need it. You are the one making it harder on yourself
and the reason why doesn't make sense. By making yourself part of it if the gecko dies if Darcy doesn't feed him your week then you're part of the reason. If you leave it up to us, it's never your problem.

We are talking about a living creature's needs. And I suck at feeding it, I drop the crickets on the floor.

There is nothing abusive other than your viewpoint. If you show up on time and the gecko is fed you don't have to worry about your feelings and I don't have to deal with a dead gecko and a sad Darcy. If I need to email to remind you then you aren't acting like a parent - so it looks like I need to remind me.

Darcy was so stressed about asking you for a ride to the gecko. That's not me, nor my actions, that's on you.

Thanks,

Dave

On 2016-10-21 08:37 AM, Michelle Exhibit wrote:


    In order for any required communication to continue we must keep emotion and personal feelings out of the exchange.  Keep it to the relative facts - not opinions. Failure to do so will result in important information not being relayed by either parent.  I will not accept any communications that are abusive, harassing, critical, or unnecessary.

    I have no issue with blocking either or both of you if this continues, and I am well within my rights to do so.  It is up to you to ensure the path of communication remains open.


    Michelle

 From: Laura Desperate <laura_Desperate@blank.com
 Date: October 20, 2016 at 12:07:49 PM MDT
 To: Michelle Exhibit <michelleExhibit@blank.com
 Subject: Re: Darcy's Gecko

 Yes I can see that you have been terrorizing her about this issue. I offered to her today when she told me about her dentist appointment.
 She was very upset that I offered that and made some ridiculous excuses as to why I am not allowed to take her and help her. Very stressed about the issue, wow what a joke. Poor kid😔shame on you super mom.

 Sent from my iPhone

 On Oct 20, 2016, at 11:59 AM, Michelle Exhibit <michelleExhibit@blank.com wrote:

 No, I didn't agree to that - I will take her out there when needed as I have been.



 As I said to Dave - stop emailing me.

 From: "Laura Desperate" <laura_Desperate@blank.com
 To: "David Desperate" <David.Desperate@work.com
 Cc: "Michelle Exhibit" <michelleExhibit@blank.com, daveDesperate@blank.com
 Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2016 10:11:57 AM
 Subject: Re: Darcy's Gecko

 Ok so tues./ thurs after school it is. I'm sure Darcy will be relieved that there is a solid plan in place
 Thanks for the cooperation🐸

 Sent from my iPhone

  On Oct 20, 2016, at 9:24 AM, Desperate, David <David.Desperate@work.com wrote:

  Michelle:

  So you are not going to answer any of my questions, as per the DIVORCE & PROPERTY AGREEMENT?
  You are refusing to communicate with me to act as a co-parent? You blocked my text messages, you block my
  phonecalls, now you are blocking my email, and you are acting as a reasonable parent in a co-parenting
  environment.  Why do you listen to a lawyer's advice over just being a reasonable person? You can't be reasonable
  without lawyer involvement?

  What would judge think of a lawyer telling her client not to co-parent as agreed to? That's breach of contract.

  You can't demand that I stop trying to repair my relationship with Rayleigh, the fact you hide her is the very REASON
  why she fears what doesn't exist. It is part and parcel of the parental alienation campaign you are conducting
  and the documentation of this email below proves it.

  Please just be reasonable, you have sued me twice, all I want is reasonable behaviour on both sides. Please just tell
  Darcy it's OK to come over any time to feed the pet she loves.

  Thanks,

  Dave

  From: Michelle Exhibit [michelleExhibit@blank.com]
  Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2016 9:18 AM
  To: Desperate, David
  Subject: Re: Darcy's Gecko


  I have been advised not to engage in conversation with you.



  Stop emailing me.

  Stop messaging Rayleigh.


  ________________________________

  From: "David Desperate" <David.Desperate@work.com
  To: "Laura Desperate" <laura_Desperate@blank.com, "Dave Desperate" <daveDesperate@blank.com
  Cc: "Michelle Exhibit"

  Sent: Thursday, October 20, 2016 6:53:10 AM
  Subject: RE: Darcy's Gecko

  I think that just agreeing Michelle would demonstrate reasonable behavior for a cause
  that obviously isn't important to you and requires you to do nothing than to support it.

  So let's see you get ridiculous....

  D.R. Desperate
  ________________________________________
  From: Laura Desperate [laura_Desperate@blank.com]
  Sent: Wednesday, October 19, 2016 10:05 PM
  To: Dave Desperate
  Cc: Michelle Exhibit
  Subject: Re: Darcy's Gecko

  I will bring Darcy here every Tues and Thursday after school. We will stop and get crickets. She will be ready at the door for her mom to pick her up after work.

  Simple solution, easy consistent and no stress!
  Can we agree on this?


  Sent from my iPhone

-------- Forwarded Message --------
Subject:     Re: Fwd: Re: Darcy's Gecko
Date:     Wed, 19 Oct 2016 20:14:27 -0600
From:     Dave Desperate <daveDesperate@blank.com
To:     Michelle Exhibit <michelleExhibit@blank.com, Laura Desperate

The one thing you can be proud of with your daughters is
they are so used to being disappointed they just cover for you
without complaining about their needs left out.

Dave

On 2016-10-19 08:08 PM, Dave Desperate wrote:


 I offered to get crickets today. Darcy said you would get them.

 Laura offered to get crickets today. Darcy said you would get them.

 The gecko needs to eat fucking crickets to make sure he is healthy.
 It's not up to you to ignore what your daughter needs.

 Darcy comes through the door and immediately "oh no I'm feeding him
 worms" to cover for the fact you don't give a shit about her needs and
 didn't care to help her until I demand you act like her mother.

 I could have gotten crickets and left them in the cage for her.

 If he loses his tail it's on you for your selfishness.



 On 2016-10-19 07:41 PM, Dave Desperate wrote:
 This is one more example of your dysfunctional co-parenting cooperation.

 Darcy wanted a gecko, we went and learned about them and she promised
 to come and feed him on time. The animal planet staff explained that
 he must be fed every 2-3 days, one of
 the possible outcomes that might happen if he isn't fed is he might
 not grow or he might lose his tail.

 Me and Laura have offered to bring her over if it is a problem so her
 gecko is fed on time, not commenting in any way on any issue other
 than that. We aren't making it difficult for Darcy to help her gecko.

 We ask her if she needs a ride, she gets stressed because she feels
 like she has to check in with you. She has to ask and you make it a
 stressful event for her to deal with. She can't ask us for a ride at
 some easy time like afterschool so you don't have to be burdened by a
 task we agreed to help her with. Instead you insist to force her to go
 to you. You have no problem telling her to come over for a dinner,
 without my knowledge and in contravention of your agreement on my
 week, but refuse to allow us just to help Darcy for 20 minutes. You
 make this about you, we just want to help the gecko.

 So either offer to let her find ways to do it without your imperial
 approval, and she will not be so stressed in how you make her feel.

 Thanks,

 Dave

Beware of the Bitchface

This book is for men struggling with hard-to-deal with exes that do not have  normal psychology; pure and simple.

https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=2JovDAAAQBAJ

I wrote this book to chronicle my nasty, legal-dynastic, divorce from my miserable narcissistic personality disorder (AKA Bitchface) ex-wife.  I wrote this from 2008 to 2013 as a cathartic exercise but also to learn from what I experienced.  Did I get sued for everything I owned? Yes I did. Did I have a nasty lawsuit proceeding? Yes I did. Were the kids dragged through the mud? Yes they were.  Did I lose to a woman, who has all the advantages in the legal system? No, I won.

I won. I was able to use my knowledge of her mindset to exploit her weaknesses and end the long drawn-out court battle that my ex-wife wanted, our lawyers wanted, and the courts were indifferent about.  I did it by using my science background to understand what I was dealing with, to give her a metaphorical bloody nose, and to make her come to terms and win.
In the words of my lawyer, she got "reamed". I kept the house. I have 50% custody of my kids. I have control over their future. I did it not just by using a good lawyer, but by understanding my exe's mentality and exploiting it.  To win you need a good lawyer but you really need to defeat the mentality of your ex. That is what stops the suffering. As you have found out already, the courts are powerless unless illegality is going on, so your kids suffer if you don't find a way to stop it.

I wasn't going to publish this book until my kids were older.  Then, today, I was at lunch with my buddy and I learned of his brother's peril with an ongoing divorce struggle where he doesn't have a home, doesn't have a future. He also said that he had a friend near suicidal over the treatment of his ex. This was too much!

So I thought to myself, I have a way to stop this. I am sitting on this because my kids are still in the picture and I don't want to cause a problem with my ex.  But if someone dies because he can't handle the pressure and all I needed  to do was share my experience, then that would be bad karma for me.
I told my friend my story and he begged me to give me this book. So here it is, unfinished and without a sexy cover. When you read what's inside, you will understand that's not valuable. 

So I am publishing this now, without even a good cover, to help men struggling against women in a rigged legal system.  If you are struggling in unfair terms and this personality sounds familiar, then read this book. If you know someone that could use this then for his sake please recommend this book before he does something rash.
I was going to hold off on publishing my book until my kids were older and out of the house. But I can't have someone's demise on my mind if I could have helped. That's bad karma!

I explain in this book how they think and why. I used that knowledge to end it earlier and win. Not win in the conquering sense, but win in ending a conflict before it raged for 10 years sense.
Knowledge is power, give your desperate friend some power and read this book or give it to him.  It will save on legal fees for you  or him and maybe end everyone's suffering early.